The FBI maintains an 83-page glossary of Internet slang. And it is hilariously, frighteningly out of touch.

Washingtonpost.com - The Internet is full of strange and bewildering neologisms, which anyone but a text-addled teen would struggle to understand. So the fine, taxpayer-funded people of the FBI — apparently not content to trawl Urban Dictionary, like the rest of us — compiled a glossary of Internet slang.

An 83-page glossary. Containing nearly 3,000 terms.

The glossary was recently made public through a Freedom of Information request by the group MuckRock, which posted the PDF, called “Twitter shorthand,” online. Despite its name, this isn’t just Twitter slang: As the FBI’s Intelligence Research Support Unit explains in the introduction, it’s a primer on shorthand used across the Internet, including in “instant messages, Facebook and Myspace.” As if that Myspace reference wasn’t proof enough that the FBI’s a tad out of touch, the IRSU then promises the list will prove useful both professionally and “for keeping up with your children and/or grandchildren.” (Your tax dollars at work!)

All of these minor gaffes could be forgiven, however, if the glossary itself was actually good. Obviously, FBI operatives and researchers need to understand Internet slang — the Internet is, increasingly, where crime goes down these days. But then we get things like ALOTBSOL (“always look on the bright side of life”) and AMOG (“alpha male of group”) … within the first 10 entries.

ALOTBSOL has, for the record, been tweeted fewer than 500 times in the entire eight-year history of Twitter. AMOG has been tweeted far more often, but usually in Spanish … as a misspelling, it would appear, of “amor” and “amigo.”

Among the other head-scratching terms the FBI considers can’t-miss Internet slang:

AYFKMWTS (“are you f—— kidding me with this s—?”) — 990 tweets
BFFLTDDUP (“best friends for life until death do us part) — 414 tweets
BOGSAT (“bunch of guys sitting around talking”) — 144 tweets
BTDTGTTSAWIO (“been there, done that, got the T-shirt and wore it out”) — 47 tweets
BTWITIAILWY (“by the way, I think I am in love with you”) — 535 tweets
DILLIGAD (“does it look like I give a damn?”) — 289 tweets
DITYID (“did I tell you I’m depressed?”) — 69 tweets
E2EG (“ear-to-ear grin”) — 125 tweets
GIWIST (“gee, I wish I said that”) — 56 tweets
HCDAJFU (“he could do a job for us”) — 25 tweets
IAWTCSM (“I agree with this comment so much”) — 20 tweets
IITYWIMWYBMAD (“if I tell you what it means will you buy me a drink?”) — 250 tweets
LLTA (“lots and lots of thunderous applause”) — 855 tweets
NIFOC (“naked in front of computer”) — 1,065 tweets, most of them referring to acronym guides like this one.
PMYMHMMFSWGAD (“pardon me, you must have mistaken me for someone who gives a damn”) — 128 tweets
SOMSW (“someone over my shoulder watching) — 170 tweets
WAPCE (“women are pure concentrated evil”) — 233 tweets, few relating to women
YKWRGMG (“you know what really grinds my gears?”) — 1,204 tweets

In all fairness to the FBI, they do get some things right: “crunk” is helpfully defined as “crazy and drunk,” FF is “a recommendation to follow someone referenced in the tweet,” and a whole range of online patois is translated to its proper English equivalent: hafta is “have to,” ima is “I’m going to,” kewt is “cute.”

One would hope the people tasked with investigating federal crimes could decipher that kind of thing through context clues … but the Internet is a vast, dizzying place! And both the law and law enforcement, as many, many recent cases have attested, lag painfully behind technology and technology culture — to the detriment of people in those spaces who need help.

So while I might wanna (want to) LMSO (laugh my socks off) over this glossary, it’s actually kind of serious, when you TOTT (think on these things).

FBI: Public Help Needed to Crack Encrypted Notes From 1999 Murder Mystery

Foxnews.com - Calling all code crackers: The FBI needs your help.

On June 30, 1999, officers in St. Louis found the body of 41-year-old Ricky McCormick, who had been murdered and dumped in a field. The lone clues regarding the homicide were two encrypted notes found in McCormick's pants.

Now, investigators from the FBI’s Cryptanalysis and Racketeering Records Unit (CRRU) and the American Cryptogram Association are seeking the public’s help in breaking the encrypted code found in the notes on the body of the murdered Missouri man.

"We are really good at what we do," CRRU chief Dan Olson said in a statement. “But we could use some help with this one."

The notes contain more than 30 lines of coded material, using a variety of letters, numbers, dashes and parentheses. McCormick -- a "street smart" high school dropout who was able to read and write -- had used such encrypted notes since he was a boy, but none of his friends or relatives can decipher the code, according to the FBI. Investigators believe the notes were written up to three days prior to his death.

"Breaking the code could reveal the victim’s whereabouts before his death and could lead to the solution of a homicide," Olson's statement continued. "Not every cipher we get arrives at our door under those circumstances."

Several CRRU examiners who are experts at breaking codes have been stumped over the years while applying a variety of analytical techniques to the notes in search of an answer or clues in McCormick's murder.

"Standard routes of cryptanalysis seem to have hit brick walls," Olson's statement continued. "Maybe someone with a fresh set of eyes might come up with a brilliant new idea."

To advance the cold case, investigators are searching for another sample of McCormick's coded system -- or a similar one -- that might offer context to the notes or allow for comparisons to be made, Olson said.

The FBI is not offering a reward for assistance in the case, "just a challenge -- and the satisfaction of knowing that your brain power might help bring a killer to justice," according to a March 29 news release on the notes.

To get you started, here's a basic tip: Breaking any code involves four basic steps, including determining the language used; determining the system used; reconstructing the key; and reconstructing the plain text.

Anyone with information on the codes or the McCormick homicide is asked to write CCRU at the following address: FBI Laboratory, Cryptanalysis and Racketeering Records Unit, 2501 Investigation Parkway, Quantico, VA 22135, Attn: Ricky McCormick Case.

"Even if we found out that he was writing a grocery list or a love letter, we would still want to see how the code is solved," Olson said. "This is a cipher system we know nothing about."

Think you can break the code? Click on the link here to read the note.