How to Score Points With Her

From the moment she meets you, she starts a virtual bank account in her mind. But you’d never know. She’s adding and subtracting with a pro poker face, using a complex labyrinth of mathematical axioms in which you have emotional credits or debits. You have no clue until you reach an extreme — you find yourself locked out on the front porch or you get handed a fistful of get-out-of-jail-free cards. What are some of the moves that will keep you out of the red?

1. Brag about her, at earshot. Whether it’s her lasagna or her ability to talk herself out of a parking ticket, give her props even if she has her back to you a couple feet away. She may look engrossed with her conversation, but believe me, one ear is always cocked in your direction.

2. Don’t notice that pretty girl in the room. Don’t use the mirror to catch a glimpse, steal a gander when your girl is looking through her bag or pretend you were looking behind her. If there is anyone she feels is competition (or is showing an inordinate amount of cleavage) your girl will track your eyeball coordinates with the precision of a nuclear submarine. Get points by looking blank when she mentions said female later, “I didn’t notice, why?” can only be pulled off with perfection if you used all the strength in your second X chromosome not to glance at the blonde with the heaving breasts a few feet away. Cha-ching.

3. Rather than rummaging under the car seat for quarters to make that five bucks she needs for gas, give her a ten “just in case” and don’t sweat the change. Sure, you might give up your double shot caramel grande because of it. But suck it up cappuccino-boy, because this will give you Trump-like credit for later.

4. She’s crying. Maybe it’s the movie trailer, a movie ending, a commercial with a kitten in it, her grandmother’s funeral, or just that time of the month. As she’s starting to look like Alice Cooper and the black mascara is dripping off her chin, tell her she is still beautiful to you when she cries. Even if you are lying.

5. Be a gentleman: Get up and go get the check rather than complain about the waitress. Fix the unstable table with a napkin. When she drops her fork, give her yours then you ask for a replacement (only if it’s clean, don’t lick it, wipe it off on her jeans and pass it to her). Taking care of things around mealtime – especially in public – holds a lot of weight, so try to pay attention (no matter have ravenous you are).

All this should be done with a very devil-may-care attitude. In fact continue talking as if nothing is happening.